Porch Thoughts

I do that, I do thinking on Will's porch alot, cuz it just seems to make me do that. That and start conversations that usually go everywhere but where I expect them to go.

And this seems to be the difference between that fateful summer and this summer is instead of shutting down and pushing I push but then I pull back and I talk. I'm actually sort of proud of myself because I started writing Eric a note and then I told him about what I was going to write without even finishing the note.

Strength. Strength will make it better, not anything that other people can give or do for me. Strength to not be brought down when I am clearly the only one trying to and to not sponge the stress and unhappiness of those around me. Strength to not stress the small stuff and to soak in the happiness of the big stuff. Strength is what makes the little days great and the big days amazing.

I think my wings still exist. They may have gotten a little wet while I was feeling the rain on my skin but when I wasn't looking the sun dried them and I have to learn to use them again. Helps when I don't stretch them under the waterfalls.

I'm so confused by my life right now, by everything that changes so fast, but I'll be better exactly 3 weeks from today, on move in day...oh God, it's only three more weeks >.<

Changes

I...I am afraid that I am repeating what I did the summer the world fell apart and I don't know how to stop it. As my wonderful boyfriend puts it, there are bi-weekly breakdowns, which may well be an overstatement but not so far off either. It leads to a vicious cycle, I don't want him to have to deal with my stupid freak outs and I want to be someone who makes his life easier, not harder, so instead of telling him when things are bothering me I shut off and don't talk. But when I do that I just think about them more. What's worse is that I'm past the point of WORRYING about things and now I spend 7-9 hours at Wal-Mart, thinking. Running random things through my brain.

Me thinking is an ever dangerous thing. I doubt everything. I doubt that I'll be a successful teacher. I doubt that I'm a good girlfriend. I doubt that I'm going to do well on my own and that I'm going to have to go crawling back to my parents. I doubt that I've done I've done the right thing.

I feel like I'm making myself alone again, and I don't understand why. I have my wonderful boyfriend and my fantastic friends and my roommates who are awesome as well. I have it, I'm in it, and I DON'T UNDERSTAND why I can't just be happy...I don't understand why I'm not allowed to be happy, or why I don't allow myself to be happy.

Make it better.

Make me stop ruining my relationship. Make me be happy with my job. Make me be excited that I only have one more year of school. Make me not be afraid because I don't know the future and whenever I think I do someone decides to change it.

Tell me how to make it better.
Please.

And yes, this is becoming one of THOSE blogs because, again, no one actually reads it and I can spew it out to the internet and make it disappear. I refuse to have "biweekly breakdowns" and let that ruin the best thing...the best love I've ever felt.