Changes

I...I am afraid that I am repeating what I did the summer the world fell apart and I don't know how to stop it. As my wonderful boyfriend puts it, there are bi-weekly breakdowns, which may well be an overstatement but not so far off either. It leads to a vicious cycle, I don't want him to have to deal with my stupid freak outs and I want to be someone who makes his life easier, not harder, so instead of telling him when things are bothering me I shut off and don't talk. But when I do that I just think about them more. What's worse is that I'm past the point of WORRYING about things and now I spend 7-9 hours at Wal-Mart, thinking. Running random things through my brain.

Me thinking is an ever dangerous thing. I doubt everything. I doubt that I'll be a successful teacher. I doubt that I'm a good girlfriend. I doubt that I'm going to do well on my own and that I'm going to have to go crawling back to my parents. I doubt that I've done I've done the right thing.

I feel like I'm making myself alone again, and I don't understand why. I have my wonderful boyfriend and my fantastic friends and my roommates who are awesome as well. I have it, I'm in it, and I DON'T UNDERSTAND why I can't just be happy...I don't understand why I'm not allowed to be happy, or why I don't allow myself to be happy.

Make it better.

Make me stop ruining my relationship. Make me be happy with my job. Make me be excited that I only have one more year of school. Make me not be afraid because I don't know the future and whenever I think I do someone decides to change it.

Tell me how to make it better.
Please.

And yes, this is becoming one of THOSE blogs because, again, no one actually reads it and I can spew it out to the internet and make it disappear. I refuse to have "biweekly breakdowns" and let that ruin the best thing...the best love I've ever felt.