He pushes his limits...and my heart knows I have to stop him or find out the answer. Please...please heart, please head, teach my mouth to speak (forgive me, we watched Romeo+Juliet and my brain is on that speech...).
He had me in his arms and it almost came out. Why couldn't I say it? "What is this? What are we?" Simple questions with answers that I'm so afraid will hurt. At least her existence, or rather lack thereof, was confirmed.
I don't want to be used, though every night I push him a little more...Why do I do it? In hopes that behind that smile and the hesitation in leaving is a "I like you too". I'm scared I'm going about it wrong. Scared that he's interpreting it wrong, that I don't want more when it's all I've been able to think about.
I have to know. Whether it changes things or not, this is my time to take a leap. Though how to do it I am so unsure that I don't know my feet could find the road. Do I ask him to go out? DO I ask him what we are? Will it ruin everything if I step over this precipice into the unknown?
All the what ifs run around my head. Will she be angry? Will she be jealous? Will they fight because she was on my side? Will they laugh if I fail? Will they say I told ya so? Will he laugh? Will he smile? Will he hold me and say yes? How badly would things change if he moved? Does he think the same things when he goes home at night? Does he wish the girls would sleep so it could be just us? How do I stop the over thinking...why did I bother to decide I liked him...it always ruins things.
I wish I could rewind, to before the party...to when he was JUST the hug hotline. When people were not holding their breaths waiting for him to break my heart...waiting for me to fall apart.
I don't know if I can find the guts. I'm so sure it's not going to work...can't stop hearing the girls who say he's a flirt. A heartbreaker. Nothing more. There's no denying the attraction...but what if that's all there is? It's so hard for the caterpillar to believe there could be something more outside the cocoon that when the wings grow she falls, disbelieving that they even exist.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Understanding It All
Seriously...how does one know if it's flirting or if it's more? What do you do when your heart dives in before your brain can tell it NO? What does it mean when he hugs you extra tight, and lets his hands wander, just a little bit? Is it time to put the confidence to the test? Do I have enough confidence to do so?
When I'm not overthinking it, he makes me act like ME. Like the person I am proud and happy to be...but as soon as my brain takes charge, I try to read it. Is that more than he does to the other girls? Did he let go before I did? Did he let go when I did? Why does he hang back to hold me one more time? Is that really more than a hug?
My heart can't decide...is it attraction? Is it physical? I'm not that attractive, but he is definitely a flirt...And most importantly, is he the kind of guy that would say something if there is interest or would he just...wander?
More so, how do I say something if I even say something? The girls would tear it apart. After all, he's a heartbreaker. It would never work in the long run. They just don't want me to get hurt...but what if?
I hate what if's. I hate not knowing, I hate assuming the worst and then clamping onto the best. Do I just guts it out and hope for something in between? Do I risk losing the cuddles and the extra long hugs and the movies with his hand just on my back? Do I want those if there isn't something more?
Well hello there brain, why yes that stream of consciousness was almost all questions, and no I don't have answers to any of them.
Krud...can you please not give me insomnia as revenge? Please?
When I'm not overthinking it, he makes me act like ME. Like the person I am proud and happy to be...but as soon as my brain takes charge, I try to read it. Is that more than he does to the other girls? Did he let go before I did? Did he let go when I did? Why does he hang back to hold me one more time? Is that really more than a hug?
My heart can't decide...is it attraction? Is it physical? I'm not that attractive, but he is definitely a flirt...And most importantly, is he the kind of guy that would say something if there is interest or would he just...wander?
More so, how do I say something if I even say something? The girls would tear it apart. After all, he's a heartbreaker. It would never work in the long run. They just don't want me to get hurt...but what if?
I hate what if's. I hate not knowing, I hate assuming the worst and then clamping onto the best. Do I just guts it out and hope for something in between? Do I risk losing the cuddles and the extra long hugs and the movies with his hand just on my back? Do I want those if there isn't something more?
Well hello there brain, why yes that stream of consciousness was almost all questions, and no I don't have answers to any of them.
Krud...can you please not give me insomnia as revenge? Please?
Friday, March 25, 2011
Thoughts as Dawn Arrives
The lights are out, I am listening to Moulin Rouge, and I have just returned home from another of the crew's late night car trips, this time to see Sucker Punch. So I sit here, awake and thinking, honestly for two reasons. One is the quote that ended the movie, and two is the person who was sitting next to me.
The quote, which I can't remember word for word and has, unfortunately, not made it to the internet yet because the movie doesn't release until today (we hit the midnite showing)was something along the lines of "the best tool for your freedom, the best answer, has been with you all along...it is you". So of course this stuck with me because, well, I'm starting to finally truly discover my keys, and hang on to them. I believe they are there, and I believe strangely enough that I CAN find them, and use them. Don't ask me what made me find my way there...I'm standing up to people, and for myself. I can look in the mirror, and not tear apart what I see. Frankly...I'm actually managing to start to not care what other people think about me. It's harder with my friends, but I guess I just expect them to judge me harsher than average people who don't really know me. Yes, I know that is backwards but...I'm not completely happy with me, but I know a lot about me that I am happy with. It's the things that would actually HURT if I tried to change them. Not physically, ya know, but things like if I tried to be a girly girl and stopped gaming all together, I just would not feel like myself.
And then there's that subject of the person who was sitting next to me. Yes, he's a man, big surprise, but it's not that which has me up and thinking. It's not him really, I mean it is but it isn't. It's...he has me very confused. Not the way he acts towards me or anything just...I've been told, repeatedly, from a few people who know him well that he's a heartbreaker, and that he would never be interested in anything serious with me for a few reasons. Also that he has someone else he's pursuing. So if this is all true then why? Why does he come over just to cuddle up and watch a movie with me? Why does he save me a seat at the theatre? Why does he specifically sit by me, and hug me extra long and extra times? And why does he seem so happy when we are just sitting, and cuddling, and he is tickling me because he smiles when I giggle? And why is it that I finally find a guy who I can be myself with, who is CLEARLY attracted to me, and who actually makes me relax, both physically and mentally, and I am told repeatedly that he is just going to break my heart? Is it possible that they are wring, that he is not just being an amazing friend, or am I just reading things completely wrong again? I wasn't trying. I'm not trying, infact I am actively trying to reign my heart in, which let me tell you is NOT an easy task...He makes me so happy...He makes me feel like me...so why is it so impossible that he likes the me I am happy to be?
Sleep comes finally, I wish I thought I would remember my dreams, but it seems unlikely...for now I sleep, falling while thinking of ways to not fall...is that possible with a guy like him?
JKRent
The quote, which I can't remember word for word and has, unfortunately, not made it to the internet yet because the movie doesn't release until today (we hit the midnite showing)was something along the lines of "the best tool for your freedom, the best answer, has been with you all along...it is you". So of course this stuck with me because, well, I'm starting to finally truly discover my keys, and hang on to them. I believe they are there, and I believe strangely enough that I CAN find them, and use them. Don't ask me what made me find my way there...I'm standing up to people, and for myself. I can look in the mirror, and not tear apart what I see. Frankly...I'm actually managing to start to not care what other people think about me. It's harder with my friends, but I guess I just expect them to judge me harsher than average people who don't really know me. Yes, I know that is backwards but...I'm not completely happy with me, but I know a lot about me that I am happy with. It's the things that would actually HURT if I tried to change them. Not physically, ya know, but things like if I tried to be a girly girl and stopped gaming all together, I just would not feel like myself.
And then there's that subject of the person who was sitting next to me. Yes, he's a man, big surprise, but it's not that which has me up and thinking. It's not him really, I mean it is but it isn't. It's...he has me very confused. Not the way he acts towards me or anything just...I've been told, repeatedly, from a few people who know him well that he's a heartbreaker, and that he would never be interested in anything serious with me for a few reasons. Also that he has someone else he's pursuing. So if this is all true then why? Why does he come over just to cuddle up and watch a movie with me? Why does he save me a seat at the theatre? Why does he specifically sit by me, and hug me extra long and extra times? And why does he seem so happy when we are just sitting, and cuddling, and he is tickling me because he smiles when I giggle? And why is it that I finally find a guy who I can be myself with, who is CLEARLY attracted to me, and who actually makes me relax, both physically and mentally, and I am told repeatedly that he is just going to break my heart? Is it possible that they are wring, that he is not just being an amazing friend, or am I just reading things completely wrong again? I wasn't trying. I'm not trying, infact I am actively trying to reign my heart in, which let me tell you is NOT an easy task...He makes me so happy...He makes me feel like me...so why is it so impossible that he likes the me I am happy to be?
Sleep comes finally, I wish I thought I would remember my dreams, but it seems unlikely...for now I sleep, falling while thinking of ways to not fall...is that possible with a guy like him?
JKRent
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