The lights are out, I am listening to Moulin Rouge, and I have just returned home from another of the crew's late night car trips, this time to see Sucker Punch. So I sit here, awake and thinking, honestly for two reasons. One is the quote that ended the movie, and two is the person who was sitting next to me.
The quote, which I can't remember word for word and has, unfortunately, not made it to the internet yet because the movie doesn't release until today (we hit the midnite showing)was something along the lines of "the best tool for your freedom, the best answer, has been with you all along...it is you". So of course this stuck with me because, well, I'm starting to finally truly discover my keys, and hang on to them. I believe they are there, and I believe strangely enough that I CAN find them, and use them. Don't ask me what made me find my way there...I'm standing up to people, and for myself. I can look in the mirror, and not tear apart what I see. Frankly...I'm actually managing to start to not care what other people think about me. It's harder with my friends, but I guess I just expect them to judge me harsher than average people who don't really know me. Yes, I know that is backwards but...I'm not completely happy with me, but I know a lot about me that I am happy with. It's the things that would actually HURT if I tried to change them. Not physically, ya know, but things like if I tried to be a girly girl and stopped gaming all together, I just would not feel like myself.
And then there's that subject of the person who was sitting next to me. Yes, he's a man, big surprise, but it's not that which has me up and thinking. It's not him really, I mean it is but it isn't. It's...he has me very confused. Not the way he acts towards me or anything just...I've been told, repeatedly, from a few people who know him well that he's a heartbreaker, and that he would never be interested in anything serious with me for a few reasons. Also that he has someone else he's pursuing. So if this is all true then why? Why does he come over just to cuddle up and watch a movie with me? Why does he save me a seat at the theatre? Why does he specifically sit by me, and hug me extra long and extra times? And why does he seem so happy when we are just sitting, and cuddling, and he is tickling me because he smiles when I giggle? And why is it that I finally find a guy who I can be myself with, who is CLEARLY attracted to me, and who actually makes me relax, both physically and mentally, and I am told repeatedly that he is just going to break my heart? Is it possible that they are wring, that he is not just being an amazing friend, or am I just reading things completely wrong again? I wasn't trying. I'm not trying, infact I am actively trying to reign my heart in, which let me tell you is NOT an easy task...He makes me so happy...He makes me feel like me...so why is it so impossible that he likes the me I am happy to be?
Sleep comes finally, I wish I thought I would remember my dreams, but it seems unlikely...for now I sleep, falling while thinking of ways to not fall...is that possible with a guy like him?
JKRent
No comments:
Post a Comment