Begging the universe for guts

He pushes his limits...and my heart knows I have to stop him or find out the answer. Please...please heart, please head, teach my mouth to speak (forgive me, we watched Romeo+Juliet and my brain is on that speech...).

He had me in his arms and it almost came out. Why couldn't I say it? "What is this? What are we?" Simple questions with answers that I'm so afraid will hurt. At least her existence, or rather lack thereof, was confirmed.

I don't want to be used, though every night I push him a little more...Why do I do it? In hopes that behind that smile and the hesitation in leaving is a "I like you too". I'm scared I'm going about it wrong. Scared that he's interpreting it wrong, that I don't want more when it's all I've been able to think about.

I have to know. Whether it changes things or not, this is my time to take a leap. Though how to do it I am so unsure that I don't know my feet could find the road. Do I ask him to go out? DO I ask him what we are? Will it ruin everything if I step over this precipice into the unknown?

All the what ifs run around my head. Will she be angry? Will she be jealous? Will they fight because she was on my side? Will they laugh if I fail? Will they say I told ya so? Will he laugh? Will he smile? Will he hold me and say yes? How badly would things change if he moved? Does he think the same things when he goes home at night? Does he wish the girls would sleep so it could be just us? How do I stop the over thinking...why did I bother to decide I liked him...it always ruins things.

I wish I could rewind, to before the party...to when he was JUST the hug hotline. When people were not holding their breaths waiting for him to break my heart...waiting for me to fall apart.

I don't know if I can find the guts. I'm so sure it's not going to work...can't stop hearing the girls who say he's a flirt. A heartbreaker. Nothing more. There's no denying the attraction...but what if that's all there is? It's so hard for the caterpillar to believe there could be something more outside the cocoon that when the wings grow she falls, disbelieving that they even exist.