I honestly hate being 24 sometimes. And not for the reasons that you would think. I don't hate the getting old or the responsibility, infact I sort of welcome that. I hate being the single one, especially the relatively newly single one.
When I think of many of my closest friends this comes to mind: Engaged, married, expecting a baby, engaged to be engaged, engaged, together for 6 years, joking about getting married, looking for a ring, married, just had a baby.
This is not to say that I don't have friends who are just starting relationships, or who are in rocky relationships, or even who are single themselves. I'm not writing any of them off, and I love you all.
It just feels so hard when I stare down graduating college *knock on wood* in a year, getting my own apartment probably by myself in less than a year, and being thrown into the real world alone. I envy those who are my age, who are YOUNGER than me, who seem to have it all figured out. They may have questions and I know they have just as much stress as I do sometimes...but they have someone to help them through it. They have that shoulder to cry on, that hand to hold, and that heart that beats only for them (yeah I know I'm getting corny, deal with it =P).
And I can already hear the people who will not read this because they do not know where it is telling me that I did not come to college for my MRS degree and I shouldn't be acting like this. That's not what I'm saying at all. I'm saying that, as a great friend puts it, my light is on. I am ready for all the things I am helping my friends plan and giggling with my friends about and instead I face down starting it over again.
I am that girl who wanted to graduate college, find a nice teaching job (relative to a new teacher at least), and then get a house and start a family. I want to be a writer. I want to be a teacher. But below that, I want to be a mommy. I want to be a wife.
I guess I just want to be happy. Yes, I hear you, I know that I should be happy with who I am and if you don't think I am, talk to me sometime about what I've made it through to get here. But I am not a person who could be happy alone for the rest of my life. I have too many people to take care of and too much love to give.
Rant or not, that is that.
JKRENT
Being alone is lonely...no matter how many people surround you. I really understand where you're coming from.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate being able to kind of rekindle my independence, and I've been having fun, getting out more, etc.
But at the end of the day, it would be nice knowing you could just come home and be held. And not by just anyone.
Ah well. Life's a journey...