Loneliness

It hasn't even been a week, both from the talk with Lee and from the apartment becoming mine, and yet I feel more alone than ever.

It's 4th of July weekend, a time when I would normally be excitedly spending time with family, watching dad try not to blow himself up, or laughing at slightly drunken always entertaining friends. Instead, I sit here for yet another evening in my quiet, empty apartment, not even able to see what I THINK was a fireworks show at the campus because of all the trees and the gas which I cannot afford.

I try not to throw pity parties. I'm trying not to let myself sink into this, but I don't know that I have that much left in me to fight with. There's a difference between being happy being with yourself, and feeling like everyone has left you behind in life. I'm somewhere in between. If this is what life's going to be like, I can get used to it. I can survive off of Food Network and crap meals. I can start jogging in the afternoon/morning when I drag myself out of bed, so that I can get some weight off and be happier with me.

But this lonely, single life...just doesn't feel like me. I want to have someone to text when I'm lonely. I want someone to think it's funny that I'm sitting on a porch with a Mike's Hard and being annoyed that I can't see the fireworks (which is probably the plan when I get done with this). I want someone to care that I'm sore, hormonal, and trying not to cry right now. I want to know what's next. Graduation, that's the next big goal, but then what? Do I finish school and disappear? Do I copy paste this phase somewhere out of Macomb? Is this the way it's going to be forever?

What if I get my life together? What if I don't need saving, don't need helping, just have this pseudo-balanced life that I just...handle? Will anybody still care? Will I be able to put up a backbone and make friends or just become the lonely, quiet, editor with a bunch of various animals and no real people?

Why do I always see the worst? Why does that FEEL like the absolute worst? Should I just bear down, and try to be happy with what I have?

And why does it feel like even when I am happy with what I have it comes crashing down on me in the end?