I wake up every morning and by the time I've gotten out of bed my stomach is in knots and I'm nearly in tears. I can't explain why, I can't explain how to fix it, I just know it's there. I don't know how to be alone. I feel like I have no one to reach out to here over the summer, which is only another month and a half yes, but a month and a half is a long time to feel like this.
I'm scared that I'm not prepared to be independent. Maybe Lee was right, maybe I am 25 going on 21, maybe even younger than that. That comment really got to me because frankly I thought I was an adult. I've been the overly mature one for so long that now that it's time for me to actually be mature...I drop the ball. I don't know anyone who lives this way, the single girl in her own apartment. Even Trishia had Hannah by the time I really started hanging out with her...I don't know what to do alone. I don't know how to be alone. I don't know how to feel happy alone. I can survive this way...but surviving is no way to live. I'm dying inside and if I let it go anymore it's going to project into my social interactions and I'm going to lose it all.
I'm not being who I want to be, I'm collapsing into the easy. I want to be comfortable, but there's a difference between comfortable and easy and I just...This is life. I feel like I'm being pouty and whiny and failing at it.
And that is my biggest fear, I never want to end up a failure.
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