Someone to talk at

So I need someone to talk at but it's 4:30 in the morning so instead I find myself here.

I don't understand why I still feel this way, when we've clearly distanced ourselves...when I've changed so much...found so much of me...and he's given so much of what I had to her. I don't know how to let it go, I don't know if it's just jealousy hanging around that he's given her what we had after telling me that he was not attracted to her. I know I deserve more than him, someone who will love me more than the way he did...but I don't know that that is possible.

I can't do it. I can't do it I can't...I'm not moving to Hawaii. Only chance or not...everything happens for a reason and I can't do this. If ever there was a reason for me to not go to Hawaii, it would be them this way. It would be the way my heart squeezes every time she tells me something new about them and the way I tear up when she talks of how close they are getting.

It's very likely I'm just not sleeping tonight. While friends pull all nighters for smart things, I pull them for stupid shit...like my emotions, and my heart strings. Sometimes just my brain in general, who fucking knows.

I wish I could tell her she'd helped my decision so heartily.
I wish I could tell him how I missed him...and him realize I mean it that way.

I can't even see my future anymore...I think there's too many options, and it's like Alice's visions and the werewolves: completely blank.

God please let me not sleep through my alarm, I don't think I can do this awake thing anymore and survive a 9 hour work day...