He pushes his limits...and my heart knows I have to stop him or find out the answer. Please...please heart, please head, teach my mouth to speak (forgive me, we watched Romeo+Juliet and my brain is on that speech...).
He had me in his arms and it almost came out. Why couldn't I say it? "What is this? What are we?" Simple questions with answers that I'm so afraid will hurt. At least her existence, or rather lack thereof, was confirmed.
I don't want to be used, though every night I push him a little more...Why do I do it? In hopes that behind that smile and the hesitation in leaving is a "I like you too". I'm scared I'm going about it wrong. Scared that he's interpreting it wrong, that I don't want more when it's all I've been able to think about.
I have to know. Whether it changes things or not, this is my time to take a leap. Though how to do it I am so unsure that I don't know my feet could find the road. Do I ask him to go out? DO I ask him what we are? Will it ruin everything if I step over this precipice into the unknown?
All the what ifs run around my head. Will she be angry? Will she be jealous? Will they fight because she was on my side? Will they laugh if I fail? Will they say I told ya so? Will he laugh? Will he smile? Will he hold me and say yes? How badly would things change if he moved? Does he think the same things when he goes home at night? Does he wish the girls would sleep so it could be just us? How do I stop the over thinking...why did I bother to decide I liked him...it always ruins things.
I wish I could rewind, to before the party...to when he was JUST the hug hotline. When people were not holding their breaths waiting for him to break my heart...waiting for me to fall apart.
I don't know if I can find the guts. I'm so sure it's not going to work...can't stop hearing the girls who say he's a flirt. A heartbreaker. Nothing more. There's no denying the attraction...but what if that's all there is? It's so hard for the caterpillar to believe there could be something more outside the cocoon that when the wings grow she falls, disbelieving that they even exist.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Understanding It All
Seriously...how does one know if it's flirting or if it's more? What do you do when your heart dives in before your brain can tell it NO? What does it mean when he hugs you extra tight, and lets his hands wander, just a little bit? Is it time to put the confidence to the test? Do I have enough confidence to do so?
When I'm not overthinking it, he makes me act like ME. Like the person I am proud and happy to be...but as soon as my brain takes charge, I try to read it. Is that more than he does to the other girls? Did he let go before I did? Did he let go when I did? Why does he hang back to hold me one more time? Is that really more than a hug?
My heart can't decide...is it attraction? Is it physical? I'm not that attractive, but he is definitely a flirt...And most importantly, is he the kind of guy that would say something if there is interest or would he just...wander?
More so, how do I say something if I even say something? The girls would tear it apart. After all, he's a heartbreaker. It would never work in the long run. They just don't want me to get hurt...but what if?
I hate what if's. I hate not knowing, I hate assuming the worst and then clamping onto the best. Do I just guts it out and hope for something in between? Do I risk losing the cuddles and the extra long hugs and the movies with his hand just on my back? Do I want those if there isn't something more?
Well hello there brain, why yes that stream of consciousness was almost all questions, and no I don't have answers to any of them.
Krud...can you please not give me insomnia as revenge? Please?
When I'm not overthinking it, he makes me act like ME. Like the person I am proud and happy to be...but as soon as my brain takes charge, I try to read it. Is that more than he does to the other girls? Did he let go before I did? Did he let go when I did? Why does he hang back to hold me one more time? Is that really more than a hug?
My heart can't decide...is it attraction? Is it physical? I'm not that attractive, but he is definitely a flirt...And most importantly, is he the kind of guy that would say something if there is interest or would he just...wander?
More so, how do I say something if I even say something? The girls would tear it apart. After all, he's a heartbreaker. It would never work in the long run. They just don't want me to get hurt...but what if?
I hate what if's. I hate not knowing, I hate assuming the worst and then clamping onto the best. Do I just guts it out and hope for something in between? Do I risk losing the cuddles and the extra long hugs and the movies with his hand just on my back? Do I want those if there isn't something more?
Well hello there brain, why yes that stream of consciousness was almost all questions, and no I don't have answers to any of them.
Krud...can you please not give me insomnia as revenge? Please?
Friday, March 25, 2011
Thoughts as Dawn Arrives
The lights are out, I am listening to Moulin Rouge, and I have just returned home from another of the crew's late night car trips, this time to see Sucker Punch. So I sit here, awake and thinking, honestly for two reasons. One is the quote that ended the movie, and two is the person who was sitting next to me.
The quote, which I can't remember word for word and has, unfortunately, not made it to the internet yet because the movie doesn't release until today (we hit the midnite showing)was something along the lines of "the best tool for your freedom, the best answer, has been with you all along...it is you". So of course this stuck with me because, well, I'm starting to finally truly discover my keys, and hang on to them. I believe they are there, and I believe strangely enough that I CAN find them, and use them. Don't ask me what made me find my way there...I'm standing up to people, and for myself. I can look in the mirror, and not tear apart what I see. Frankly...I'm actually managing to start to not care what other people think about me. It's harder with my friends, but I guess I just expect them to judge me harsher than average people who don't really know me. Yes, I know that is backwards but...I'm not completely happy with me, but I know a lot about me that I am happy with. It's the things that would actually HURT if I tried to change them. Not physically, ya know, but things like if I tried to be a girly girl and stopped gaming all together, I just would not feel like myself.
And then there's that subject of the person who was sitting next to me. Yes, he's a man, big surprise, but it's not that which has me up and thinking. It's not him really, I mean it is but it isn't. It's...he has me very confused. Not the way he acts towards me or anything just...I've been told, repeatedly, from a few people who know him well that he's a heartbreaker, and that he would never be interested in anything serious with me for a few reasons. Also that he has someone else he's pursuing. So if this is all true then why? Why does he come over just to cuddle up and watch a movie with me? Why does he save me a seat at the theatre? Why does he specifically sit by me, and hug me extra long and extra times? And why does he seem so happy when we are just sitting, and cuddling, and he is tickling me because he smiles when I giggle? And why is it that I finally find a guy who I can be myself with, who is CLEARLY attracted to me, and who actually makes me relax, both physically and mentally, and I am told repeatedly that he is just going to break my heart? Is it possible that they are wring, that he is not just being an amazing friend, or am I just reading things completely wrong again? I wasn't trying. I'm not trying, infact I am actively trying to reign my heart in, which let me tell you is NOT an easy task...He makes me so happy...He makes me feel like me...so why is it so impossible that he likes the me I am happy to be?
Sleep comes finally, I wish I thought I would remember my dreams, but it seems unlikely...for now I sleep, falling while thinking of ways to not fall...is that possible with a guy like him?
JKRent
The quote, which I can't remember word for word and has, unfortunately, not made it to the internet yet because the movie doesn't release until today (we hit the midnite showing)was something along the lines of "the best tool for your freedom, the best answer, has been with you all along...it is you". So of course this stuck with me because, well, I'm starting to finally truly discover my keys, and hang on to them. I believe they are there, and I believe strangely enough that I CAN find them, and use them. Don't ask me what made me find my way there...I'm standing up to people, and for myself. I can look in the mirror, and not tear apart what I see. Frankly...I'm actually managing to start to not care what other people think about me. It's harder with my friends, but I guess I just expect them to judge me harsher than average people who don't really know me. Yes, I know that is backwards but...I'm not completely happy with me, but I know a lot about me that I am happy with. It's the things that would actually HURT if I tried to change them. Not physically, ya know, but things like if I tried to be a girly girl and stopped gaming all together, I just would not feel like myself.
And then there's that subject of the person who was sitting next to me. Yes, he's a man, big surprise, but it's not that which has me up and thinking. It's not him really, I mean it is but it isn't. It's...he has me very confused. Not the way he acts towards me or anything just...I've been told, repeatedly, from a few people who know him well that he's a heartbreaker, and that he would never be interested in anything serious with me for a few reasons. Also that he has someone else he's pursuing. So if this is all true then why? Why does he come over just to cuddle up and watch a movie with me? Why does he save me a seat at the theatre? Why does he specifically sit by me, and hug me extra long and extra times? And why does he seem so happy when we are just sitting, and cuddling, and he is tickling me because he smiles when I giggle? And why is it that I finally find a guy who I can be myself with, who is CLEARLY attracted to me, and who actually makes me relax, both physically and mentally, and I am told repeatedly that he is just going to break my heart? Is it possible that they are wring, that he is not just being an amazing friend, or am I just reading things completely wrong again? I wasn't trying. I'm not trying, infact I am actively trying to reign my heart in, which let me tell you is NOT an easy task...He makes me so happy...He makes me feel like me...so why is it so impossible that he likes the me I am happy to be?
Sleep comes finally, I wish I thought I would remember my dreams, but it seems unlikely...for now I sleep, falling while thinking of ways to not fall...is that possible with a guy like him?
JKRent
Saturday, December 18, 2010
A lot of thoughts after a long nite
So a friend of mine's boyfriend was caught cheating on her tonight. She and I are not as close friends as we could be but, alas, it was put upon me to carry the burden of making things okay because other people have to work in the morning.
So I did what every good friend who has been stressed long past her last nerve in the past semester and who had an awful day would do: got her best guy friend who she's horribly attracted to, got a gallon of OJ, and the three of us got drunk.
I feel like the three bears is a fair analogy for this story:
The first little bear didn't have enough to drink because the bear mixing drinks was too buzzed after she finished her first Sex on the Beach to come up with something to make him without the OJ that was upsetting his tummy. He was the one who was drunk enough to join in the debauchery, but sober enough to be confused my everything, especially the actions of the other bears.
The second little bear had too much to drink for her. She giggled and laughed and couldn't handle any of it. She even made comments to the big bear about how she could help him fix think when he commented on wanting to have fun with girls and missing physical love. She then caused even more confusion because she made comments at the littlest bear which put awful thoughts into the big bear's head.
The third little bear had just enough booze to make the whole situation go away. She was drunk enough to dance and sing and make moves at the bears who were watching the whole situation. She was the star. But then the porridge made her sick and she fell apart. The middle bear spent the rest of the evening with the little bear falling apart and trying to figure out how to make the world okay for the little bear.
So that was the story of the three little bears...you remember the part involving Sex on the Beach and sobbing, right?
Plus the middle bear doesn't know what to think when she notices the way that the big bear stares at the little bear. She wants to keep both bears safe....and she selfishly wants the big bear for herself.
So the middle bear cries. The middle bear is a wreck because she has no one to turn to who would not be selfish right now, and because she wishes that the big bear would notice her...and allow her to be more than the cuddle ball best friend WoW player...
Illusive sleep appears...what a time is coming, I don't know. For now, time to test out the bears' beds and to keep an eye on the poor, scared, little bear.
So I did what every good friend who has been stressed long past her last nerve in the past semester and who had an awful day would do: got her best guy friend who she's horribly attracted to, got a gallon of OJ, and the three of us got drunk.
I feel like the three bears is a fair analogy for this story:
The first little bear didn't have enough to drink because the bear mixing drinks was too buzzed after she finished her first Sex on the Beach to come up with something to make him without the OJ that was upsetting his tummy. He was the one who was drunk enough to join in the debauchery, but sober enough to be confused my everything, especially the actions of the other bears.
The second little bear had too much to drink for her. She giggled and laughed and couldn't handle any of it. She even made comments to the big bear about how she could help him fix think when he commented on wanting to have fun with girls and missing physical love. She then caused even more confusion because she made comments at the littlest bear which put awful thoughts into the big bear's head.
The third little bear had just enough booze to make the whole situation go away. She was drunk enough to dance and sing and make moves at the bears who were watching the whole situation. She was the star. But then the porridge made her sick and she fell apart. The middle bear spent the rest of the evening with the little bear falling apart and trying to figure out how to make the world okay for the little bear.
So that was the story of the three little bears...you remember the part involving Sex on the Beach and sobbing, right?
Plus the middle bear doesn't know what to think when she notices the way that the big bear stares at the little bear. She wants to keep both bears safe....and she selfishly wants the big bear for herself.
So the middle bear cries. The middle bear is a wreck because she has no one to turn to who would not be selfish right now, and because she wishes that the big bear would notice her...and allow her to be more than the cuddle ball best friend WoW player...
Illusive sleep appears...what a time is coming, I don't know. For now, time to test out the bears' beds and to keep an eye on the poor, scared, little bear.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Frustration at my Age Group
I honestly hate being 24 sometimes. And not for the reasons that you would think. I don't hate the getting old or the responsibility, infact I sort of welcome that. I hate being the single one, especially the relatively newly single one.
When I think of many of my closest friends this comes to mind: Engaged, married, expecting a baby, engaged to be engaged, engaged, together for 6 years, joking about getting married, looking for a ring, married, just had a baby.
This is not to say that I don't have friends who are just starting relationships, or who are in rocky relationships, or even who are single themselves. I'm not writing any of them off, and I love you all.
It just feels so hard when I stare down graduating college *knock on wood* in a year, getting my own apartment probably by myself in less than a year, and being thrown into the real world alone. I envy those who are my age, who are YOUNGER than me, who seem to have it all figured out. They may have questions and I know they have just as much stress as I do sometimes...but they have someone to help them through it. They have that shoulder to cry on, that hand to hold, and that heart that beats only for them (yeah I know I'm getting corny, deal with it =P).
And I can already hear the people who will not read this because they do not know where it is telling me that I did not come to college for my MRS degree and I shouldn't be acting like this. That's not what I'm saying at all. I'm saying that, as a great friend puts it, my light is on. I am ready for all the things I am helping my friends plan and giggling with my friends about and instead I face down starting it over again.
I am that girl who wanted to graduate college, find a nice teaching job (relative to a new teacher at least), and then get a house and start a family. I want to be a writer. I want to be a teacher. But below that, I want to be a mommy. I want to be a wife.
I guess I just want to be happy. Yes, I hear you, I know that I should be happy with who I am and if you don't think I am, talk to me sometime about what I've made it through to get here. But I am not a person who could be happy alone for the rest of my life. I have too many people to take care of and too much love to give.
Rant or not, that is that.
JKRENT
When I think of many of my closest friends this comes to mind: Engaged, married, expecting a baby, engaged to be engaged, engaged, together for 6 years, joking about getting married, looking for a ring, married, just had a baby.
This is not to say that I don't have friends who are just starting relationships, or who are in rocky relationships, or even who are single themselves. I'm not writing any of them off, and I love you all.
It just feels so hard when I stare down graduating college *knock on wood* in a year, getting my own apartment probably by myself in less than a year, and being thrown into the real world alone. I envy those who are my age, who are YOUNGER than me, who seem to have it all figured out. They may have questions and I know they have just as much stress as I do sometimes...but they have someone to help them through it. They have that shoulder to cry on, that hand to hold, and that heart that beats only for them (yeah I know I'm getting corny, deal with it =P).
And I can already hear the people who will not read this because they do not know where it is telling me that I did not come to college for my MRS degree and I shouldn't be acting like this. That's not what I'm saying at all. I'm saying that, as a great friend puts it, my light is on. I am ready for all the things I am helping my friends plan and giggling with my friends about and instead I face down starting it over again.
I am that girl who wanted to graduate college, find a nice teaching job (relative to a new teacher at least), and then get a house and start a family. I want to be a writer. I want to be a teacher. But below that, I want to be a mommy. I want to be a wife.
I guess I just want to be happy. Yes, I hear you, I know that I should be happy with who I am and if you don't think I am, talk to me sometime about what I've made it through to get here. But I am not a person who could be happy alone for the rest of my life. I have too many people to take care of and too much love to give.
Rant or not, that is that.
JKRENT
Monday, June 14, 2010
Porch Thoughts
I do that, I do thinking on Will's porch alot, cuz it just seems to make me do that. That and start conversations that usually go everywhere but where I expect them to go.
And this seems to be the difference between that fateful summer and this summer is instead of shutting down and pushing I push but then I pull back and I talk. I'm actually sort of proud of myself because I started writing Eric a note and then I told him about what I was going to write without even finishing the note.
Strength. Strength will make it better, not anything that other people can give or do for me. Strength to not be brought down when I am clearly the only one trying to and to not sponge the stress and unhappiness of those around me. Strength to not stress the small stuff and to soak in the happiness of the big stuff. Strength is what makes the little days great and the big days amazing.
I think my wings still exist. They may have gotten a little wet while I was feeling the rain on my skin but when I wasn't looking the sun dried them and I have to learn to use them again. Helps when I don't stretch them under the waterfalls.
I'm so confused by my life right now, by everything that changes so fast, but I'll be better exactly 3 weeks from today, on move in day...oh God, it's only three more weeks >.<
And this seems to be the difference between that fateful summer and this summer is instead of shutting down and pushing I push but then I pull back and I talk. I'm actually sort of proud of myself because I started writing Eric a note and then I told him about what I was going to write without even finishing the note.
Strength. Strength will make it better, not anything that other people can give or do for me. Strength to not be brought down when I am clearly the only one trying to and to not sponge the stress and unhappiness of those around me. Strength to not stress the small stuff and to soak in the happiness of the big stuff. Strength is what makes the little days great and the big days amazing.
I think my wings still exist. They may have gotten a little wet while I was feeling the rain on my skin but when I wasn't looking the sun dried them and I have to learn to use them again. Helps when I don't stretch them under the waterfalls.
I'm so confused by my life right now, by everything that changes so fast, but I'll be better exactly 3 weeks from today, on move in day...oh God, it's only three more weeks >.<
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Changes
I...I am afraid that I am repeating what I did the summer the world fell apart and I don't know how to stop it. As my wonderful boyfriend puts it, there are bi-weekly breakdowns, which may well be an overstatement but not so far off either. It leads to a vicious cycle, I don't want him to have to deal with my stupid freak outs and I want to be someone who makes his life easier, not harder, so instead of telling him when things are bothering me I shut off and don't talk. But when I do that I just think about them more. What's worse is that I'm past the point of WORRYING about things and now I spend 7-9 hours at Wal-Mart, thinking. Running random things through my brain.
Me thinking is an ever dangerous thing. I doubt everything. I doubt that I'll be a successful teacher. I doubt that I'm a good girlfriend. I doubt that I'm going to do well on my own and that I'm going to have to go crawling back to my parents. I doubt that I've done I've done the right thing.
I feel like I'm making myself alone again, and I don't understand why. I have my wonderful boyfriend and my fantastic friends and my roommates who are awesome as well. I have it, I'm in it, and I DON'T UNDERSTAND why I can't just be happy...I don't understand why I'm not allowed to be happy, or why I don't allow myself to be happy.
Make it better.
Make me stop ruining my relationship. Make me be happy with my job. Make me be excited that I only have one more year of school. Make me not be afraid because I don't know the future and whenever I think I do someone decides to change it.
Tell me how to make it better.
Please.
And yes, this is becoming one of THOSE blogs because, again, no one actually reads it and I can spew it out to the internet and make it disappear. I refuse to have "biweekly breakdowns" and let that ruin the best thing...the best love I've ever felt.
Me thinking is an ever dangerous thing. I doubt everything. I doubt that I'll be a successful teacher. I doubt that I'm a good girlfriend. I doubt that I'm going to do well on my own and that I'm going to have to go crawling back to my parents. I doubt that I've done I've done the right thing.
I feel like I'm making myself alone again, and I don't understand why. I have my wonderful boyfriend and my fantastic friends and my roommates who are awesome as well. I have it, I'm in it, and I DON'T UNDERSTAND why I can't just be happy...I don't understand why I'm not allowed to be happy, or why I don't allow myself to be happy.
Make it better.
Make me stop ruining my relationship. Make me be happy with my job. Make me be excited that I only have one more year of school. Make me not be afraid because I don't know the future and whenever I think I do someone decides to change it.
Tell me how to make it better.
Please.
And yes, this is becoming one of THOSE blogs because, again, no one actually reads it and I can spew it out to the internet and make it disappear. I refuse to have "biweekly breakdowns" and let that ruin the best thing...the best love I've ever felt.
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